Last Mile Is Here

The last company you’ll ever need.

Today we are pleased to announce Last Mile, a company that will change the way you live your life everyday.

With today’s hectic pace and demanding work schedules, it’s not your fault if you come home and are too tired to finish your chores. Heck, we don’t blame you if all you want to do is curl up with Netflix and binge-watch “Orange is the New Black” or “House of Cards.” But when you’re done with that, your chores remain incomplete.

This is where Last Mile helps you finish the job.

Has your dishwasher been sitting with clean dishes in it for the last six hours? We’ll put them away for you. Have you taken out that burnt-out light bulb but simply don’t have the energy to screw in a new one? We’ll screw for you. Folded your laundry but simply hate putting it away? We’ll take care of that with gusto.

Finished with your big move into that new home or apartment? Nope—we won’t help you unpack—but we will help you break down those cardboard boxes.

Our network of eager Smilers is waiting, in real-time, to round the corners on all your needs. Imagine this scenario:

• You’ve driven all the way to pick someone up at the airport, but who wants to drive home after that haul? Have a Smiler meet you at the airport so they can drive your car and you can chat with your friend or loved-one in the back. It’ll be like having your own personal driver you get to ignore.

Or this one:

• You’ve made an incredible meal and set the table for your upcoming dinner party, but something is missing. Bring in a Smiler and we will garnish the demons out of your salmon steaks, toss your kale salad with a righteous nonchalance, and fold those napkins into epic swans of enlightenment.

We train our Smilers in all the latest completion strategy trends.

And with our simple payment structure of $5/minute, they never expect tips. So at the end of the experience there’s no awkwardness for you, our precious, beautiful consumer.

Remember us when you need that tie straightened; let us take your trash bins to the curb (after you’ve filled them, of course); have us tie the ribbon on that gift you just finished wrapping, and remember us for our most requested service—putting the toilet seat down. We’re here to help complete all the tasks you’d otherwise leave undone, and with Last Mile you get to take the credit since you hired us.

Last Mile—we’ll take you the rest of the way, with a smile.

Special thanks to Danya Cheskis-Gold for being a co-conspirator in the inspiration for this post. She is Last Mile’s Chief Smile Officer. ☺

If you liked this piece of satire, you can follow me on Medium, Facebook, and on Twitter. If you didn’t like it: go home, take a nap, and let’s just agree to not talk about each other, ok?

Top photo by Flickr user tim_norris. Last photo by Flickr user bevgoodwin.