Life is depressing. You will eventually disappoint your parents, embarrass your children, not work hard enough, forget to pursue your passion, and neglect your significant other. For years there was nothing you could do about the guilt these actions would bring up.
“It’s just part of being human,” says your therapist, 10th grade guidance counselor, or best friend.
But that’s no longer a valid excuse thanks to the latest advances in organic-robotic surgery. This is not your grandfather’s world anymore.
It’s time to seriously consider becoming a robot.
Here are some of the advantages:
- Focus: Machines don’t get distracted by shiny objects, because they are one. You are probably like 90% of the world and struggle to stay focused. While medication can correct this, it’s an expensive crutch. A one-time surgery can save you time, money, and keep you sharp. Forever.
- Fitness: Don’t worry about that milkshake going straight to your hips, because they’ll be made out of titanium. Let’s face it: fitness is really just another human task, and it gets tiring. Nobody likes to sweat.
- Friends: You may think you need companionship, but with one software upgrade this desire will be a notion of the past. For good measure, you’ll also be enrolled in machine-interaction pods that are carefully monitored and programmed. As for more stimulating sensations you may want to experience, we have several apps to choose from and can install a built-in pelvic vibrating feature for an additional charge.
And let’s not forget the most important reason you should become a robot: feelings. Being present in our own world is an impossible task when there are so many presents happening in realtime all around us. You want to keep up with it all, but without the emotional baggage of processing every little detail. Pressure exists to form an opinion and to react to every subject—this can take a toll on any person, but that’s where robots excel. They can filter automatically according to your preferences; our algorithms will keep you sane and nicely tucked into your pre-approved settings.
In case you were wondering, here’s what we’ll do with your organs after your surgery, and what we’ll replace them with:
- Your Brain: With its limited storage capacity, there’s not much we can do with your brain. The neurons will be redistributed to help power the 600 petabyte hard drive we put in between your ears.
- Your Lungs: Now if you aren’t a smoker, these are useful filters we can repurpose as air-filters for the oxygen-dependent. What you’ll get instead are powerful vacuums that can run on any gaseous element, and will let you breathe underwater for up to three hours.
- Your Eyes: These little blobs make a delicious soup! Add garlic, fish stock, green onions, and cabbage for a treat that’ll wow your friends who still have stomachs. We’ll replace your orbs with the latest in video camera technology, each “eye” will have 20 multi-gigapixel cameras grouped together to make sure you never miss the perfect photo opportunity. Everything will be captured and stored.
- Your Heart: It can be used in transplants for the oxygen-dependents still left in the world… OR you can trade it in for an extra 10% off your total surgery costs. The battery you’ll get via our trade-in program could power the sun for three years, and the new robotic you for an even 200.
- Your Soul: Ah yes, this small object of ambiguous value becomes a necessary casualty in the final phase of fully becoming a robot. But think of it, when is the last time you intentionally used your soul? Perhaps it has only “gotten in the way and powered your subconscious” as many of our patients say. You’ll be roughly 21 grams lighter without this source of unpredictability. Those grams will seem like pound of stress that evaporate into air, to be sucked down by the oxygen-dependent. Without the burden of a soul you’ll be more logical, more fearless. Fueled by our patented Artificial Intuition Matrix™, you’ll never have to worry about being paralyzed by decision-making or right-vs-wrong again. And you’ll feel—well, you won’t feel anything, that’s why you’re doing this. Don’t let nostalgia for humanity keep you from your true potential.
This message has been brought to you by the American Robot Evangelists. You can indicate early interest in our person-to-robot surgery by hitting the green recommend button below.